


Eli

by jojogirl



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M, Mild Southpark Reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22673782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojogirl/pseuds/jojogirl
Summary: The Canadian Revenue Service (is that even any a thing, I am winging it) pays a visit to Johnny Rose.  Will the Rose's get their fortune back and if they do, what will they do with it?
Relationships: Alexis Rose - Relationship, Johnny Rose - Relationship, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	1. A Rose is a Rose

David was paying a rare (now that he was running a thriving business and engaged to the love of his life) visit to Stevie at the motel on his day off. He was fully taking advantage of his one day off now that he had a wedding to plan. 

They were on Stevie’s computer perusing best person outfits because, “Really, David, there is no way I can wear fucking bridesmaid dress.” Stevie was complaining, loudly.

The two of them were bent over Stevie’s PC looking at suits. As they were debating the appropriate cut of Stevie’s said suit, in walked two real suits.

Stevie looked up. “How can I help you today?” David smirked, Stevie’s customer service skills had barely ramped up since Johnny had come on board, but her sarcasm was still leaking through.

Suit #1 flashed a badge at them and what the fuck? “Agent Dodge, Canadian Revenue Service, I would like to speak with a Mr. Johnny Rose.” Suit #2 was looking around the motel lobby with a smug condescending look on his face.

“Mr. Rose is currently off the property, I am co-owner of the Rosebud Motel, how may I help you?” Stevie replied. David cringed but was still totally appreciative of her snark. His experience with the Canadian Revenue Service had boiled down to his every single possession (with the exception of a few suitcases of designer clothing and a box of personally purchased, carefully hand crafted sex toys) being taken away from him, thank you very much fucking Eli.

Suit #2 replied “We need to talk to Johnny Rose regarding an unresolved issue.”

David took a step back. What could the Canadian Revenue Service want to talk to his dad about? He knew, from infrequent stilted conversations with Johnny that Eli, the snake, had disappeared without a trace. Canada, god bless her, had bled the Rose family of everything she was going to get out of them. Surely this visit was nothing more than an update on how they had not found Eli and the Rose family was still broke. He repeated that mantra in his head.

Suit #1 pulled out a business card and handed it to Stevie. “Please tell Mr. Rose we would like to visit with him as soon as possible.”

They walked out the door and David, just like that, renamed the two suits, he couldn’t help it, they reminded him of Terrance and Phillip. They were comically Canadian cartoons. He liked to think his character had changed in the last couple of years, but goddamn, these guys were creepy as fuck.

As they walked out the door, Stevie turned to David and waved the card in his face. “So, what do you think this is about?” 

David knew his face was doing something completely stupid. He knew, he fucking knew what this was about. He knew everything was getting ready to change.

“So, where exactly is my dad right now?” David was trying to remain calm. 

“He and Roland were headed to the hardware store, something about plumbing supplies, honestly, they were talking toilets and I zoned out.” Stevie replied. 

David plucked the business card ‘Terrance’ left and said, “Thank you so much.” and walked out of the office.

David left the lobby of the motel office and started walking, it was a pleasant day weather wise, and he just started walking. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed his dad. 

Johnny answered on the second ring. “Hello, son, how are you?” 

“Uh, yeah, where are you? I need to talk to you, now.” David was now sweating and walking faster, walking faster to Patrick and Rose Apothecary.

“Well, David, Roland I just finished at the hardware store in Elmdale and are on our way back. Are you okay, is your mother okay, what’s wrong?”

David hesitated. He knew, once he started talking everything was going to change. He kind of wished Alexis was here to talk him down off this wall. But Alexis was in the Galapagos with turtle Ted and he was going to have to go this one alone.

David, as patiently as he could, asked if Johnny could meet him at the store. Johnny replied, “Yeah, sure son, I will see you there shortly.”

David walked into Rose Apothecary, thankfully there were no customers, or not thankfully, at his point he was just really confused. Patrick, bless his button heart, greeted him with a kiss and a pat on the ass. “Hey, gorgeous, what are you doing here on your day off?”

David kissed his beautiful fiancé, and said, “So, I just met two very unfortunate Canadian beauracrats at the motel, they were asking for my dad.”

“Huh. Okay, tell me about these mysterious Canadians, David.” Patrick replied, with reason, reason David was not feeling, at all. 

David walked around the farm table in the center of the store, turned around, walked back. He was pacing, he was spiraling, Patrick sensed this. “David, what’s going on?” Okay, this was not a big deal, this was nothing, he could do this. “I don’t know, two very unfortunately dressed suits came to the hotel this morning asking for Johnny Rose.” 

“Okay…” Patrick replied, rubbing his hands up and down on David’s arms. “They were from the Canadian Revenue Service.” Again, Patrick, bless his button heart replied, “David, what did they want?” 

“I don’t know what they wanted, they asked to talk to Johnny Rose.”

Everything was kind of blur for David after that. Johnny walked into the store, thank god, without Roland. 

“David, is everything okay?” David was still pacing around the store, Patrick was still trying to slow him down. 

“So, two Canadian Revenue guys came into the motel today to talk to you. Do you know anything about that?” David dug the business card ‘Terrance’ had given him out of his pocket and handed it to his dad.

“No, no, uh, I do not know anything about this.” Johnny looked a bit shaken but not concerned.

“I am sure this is nothing, I will call ‘Agent Dodge’ and see what he wants. I am sure this is nothing. Nothing at all to worry about. I am just going to head out now.” Johnny took the business card from David, nodded to Patrick and walked out the front door.

David turned to Patrick and said "I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after another, consecutively, in a row."


	2. A Thorn Defends the Rose, Harming Only Those Who Would Steal the Blossom

Everything was kind of blur for David after that, he knew he was on the verge of a panic attack, he knew Patrick knew he was on the verge of a panic attack because Patrick moved in close and said, “David, look at me, breath for me, that’s it, there you are.” David looked into Patrick’s honey brown colored eyes, felt his hand rubbing up and down his arms and did exactly what Patrick had asked of him.

“Look, David, it’s going to be okay. The CRS can’t take anything else away from you that they already haven’t taken. It’s likely that they are just tying up some loose ends.” David knows Patrick is right. It’s just that they haven’t heard any news on Eli for years. 

In those precious years the Rose’s have grown so much. Well, almost all of the Rose’s. David knew once his mother got wind of this visit, the corkscrew of her mind would be worse than the Crow’s movie being put on a back burner. David wrapped his arms around Patrick’s neck and pulled him in close. “You are right, I know you are right.” The knowledge that Patrick was always right wrapped around his heart in a vise.

David didn’t ever voice the thoughts about what had happened to the Rose family after Eli had robbed them blind very often to Patrick. Looking back, in his head he had labeled himself ‘before Patrick’ and ‘after Patrick’. BP and AP.

‘BP’ was shallow, inconsiderate, impolite, brash, reckless and rude. ‘AP’, well, he was still maybe some of those things. But, coming to this town he realized that he had become tolerant, polite when he needed to be, considerate and god he hated to admit it, but he was just really fucking gracious.

Deciding together, that the best thing for David to do was stay at the store with Patrick for the day. Patrick would pick up lunch at the cafe with, of course whatever dessert was on the menu for the day, two helpings, please. After lunch, Patrick lit a patchouli candle, changed the playlist to less jazz and more upbeat easy listening.

After closing, Patrick loaded David into the car and drove home. David still felt a zing when Patrick said, “Let’s go home.” It was not longer just Patrick’s home, it was David’s home now too. He settled that thought around him like the very cozy weighted blanket Marcy Brewer had gifted him for Christmas.

Knowing the way to David’s heart like Patrick did, he ordered pizza when they got home and opened a special reserve bottle of red. He went to their only tiny closet and said, “I think this night calls for a rematch.” 

Their evenings after a long day at work were often spent having sex, sex and more sex, watching Interflix, going over ideas and numbers for Rose Apothecary, reading – they both were voracious readers, and playing games. 

It seemed silly at first, but Patrick was probably more competitive than David and when they started playing games together, it was just really fucking fun. Patrick, pulled out a deck of cards, a notepad and pen. “Are you up for a beat down, handsome?” If you had told David Rose three years ago the way to his heart was gin rummy, he would have mocked you into the ground. Patrick beat David that night at gin, but David had him begging when he took Patrick’s cock into his mouth later and they considered it a tie. Added bonus, David had almost forgotten about the unfortunate visit from Terrance and Phillip.

The next morning, David awoke to sweet Patrick kisses on his cheek. “Good morning, sunshine.” David pulled Patrick in, kissed him with morning breath, pulled him in tight and said, “What is good about it?” 

At the same time, both of their phones buzzed. David reached over to grab his phone as Patrick reached into his pocket for his. David’s frowny face was on point as he read the text that came through. Patrick put his thumb on David’s eyebrows, after reading his text and said, “David, it’s going to be okay.” The text was from Johnny. It was a group text to David, Patrick, Alexis, Ted and Stevie. It read…please join Moira and I for dinner tonight at the café at 7:00 p.m. Alexis and Ted, can you please Skype?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before I knew Alexis will likely not be joining Ted in the Galapagos. Thanks so much for the feedback!


	3. If the rose puzzles its mind over the question how it grew, it would not have been the miracle that it is.  J.B Yeats

Patrick put the car in park in front of Café Topical, turned to David and said, “Hey, what ever happens, everything is going to be okay.” David smiled, “I know everything is going to be okay, hey, I love you.” David reached over the console and pulled Patrick in for a kiss. Patrick was David’s true north and after two days of spiraling, he realized, yes, no matter what, everything was going to be okay.

The café was empty, save Johnny, Moira and Stevie. There was a table set up in the middle of the café with a laptop in the middle. There were also two bottles of wine, one red, one white. 

David and Stevie had texted a couple of times over the course of the last 24 hours. But still, David was feeling a pang of guilt looking at Stevie, not realizing how this situation was affecting her too. Johnny and Moira had adopted Stevie, not on paper, obviously, but she was a Rose through and through. She was as much his sister now as was Alexis. 

David and Patrick greeted his parents. David put his arm around Stevie, kissed her on the forehead and whispered in her ear, “Love ya.” She buried her head into his sweater and said, “Ditto.” Moira was radiant, as always, and oddly quiet. She hugged them both and Johnny said, “Have a seat.” 

It was quiet in the café and unusually vacant. Except for Twyla standing at the bar, smiling as usual, the place was empty. Johnny, pulling up a chair, uttered, “I thought some privacy for the evening would be best, I rented out the café for the night.” That is when David knew it was serious, his mother had a glass of red filled to the top.

A loud ping blasted through the silence of the table as everyone settled in. Johnny hit a button on the laptop and Alexis and Ted’s faces appeared on the screen. “Hi honey!” Johnny spoke fondly. “Um, yeah, hi, what is going on? Why were we summoned? It’s like 3:00 a.m. in the morning here.” Alexis looked radiant, her hair was in a high bun on top of her head and she was glowing. Ted had his arm wrapped around her shoulder smiling as per usual. “Hey everyone, it is turtling amazing to see you!” Ted greeted. Moira picked up her wine, and replied “Theodore, I trust you are nurturing my bebe mademoiselle?” 

“Well, I guess I will just get to it then.” Johnny uttered. “Yesterday, the Canadian Revenue Service paid a visit to me and your mother.” Moira placed her hand on Johnny’s arm, nodding. “They found Eli.” 

Patrick put his hand on David’s knee and rubbed in little circles soothingly. 

“Eli has been under ground for the last several years in Switzerland. Apparently, he has not been having an easy go of things either.” Johnny said, practically giddy. 

“When he left, he took everything we had and put it in offshore accounts. But a wife, two ex-wives, two children and two step-children were not easy to lie low from.” Johnny went on to explain that being entombed in Switzerland with the Canadian government after you was not conducive to living a life of luxury.

Agent Dodge and his sidekick now known as “Phillip” in David’s head had informed Johnny and Moira that Eli had quietly and almost willingly surrendered. 

The CSR had done a careful audit and after taxes and fees their fortune had been restored to the tune of ‘about eighty million dollars.’

“Holyfuckingshit.” Patrick muttered under his breath. He looked over to David who was surprising calm. Alexis, praise her, smiled and said, “Oh, well, that’s good, right?”

David signaled to Twyla at the bar, “I think we are ready to order now.”


	4. I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.  Emma Goldman

Twyla, oblivious to what was happening in the middle of the café, took everyone’s order. David had the gargantuan menu open and was just blathering off everything fried on the menu. It would not be hard for Twyla to place this order, every fucking thing on the menu was basically a flash frozen wasteland. With eighty mil, they could order the steak, but he made that mistake once and was not up for a repeat.

“So…” Patrick started. “Eighty million dollars.” “Yes.” Johnny replied. 

“Moira and I have discussed the situation and we have decided on a plan that we would like to share with you all.” Stevie was sitting next to David and her knee was bouncing up and down like a yoyo. 

Johnny put his hands down on the table said, “We have decided that we want to gift to each of you ten million dollars.” 

David replied rapidly and with intent, “I don’t want it. Keep it, give it to Alexis and Stevie, I am good, I don’t want it.” Patrick, promptly interjected. “David, hang on a second.” Alexis was talking over Patrick, “Ohmygoddavid.”

Moira, finally finding her voice, replied, “Dayyyvid, you can’t possibly mean that. Think of what you and your sweet Pat could consuuumaaate with that kind of legal tender!” “Jesus, we are still not doing ‘Pat’.” David replied.

David looked over at Stevie, she had tears in her eyes. Fuck, Stevie never had tears in her eyes. David reached out to squeeze her hand as she said, “Mr. Rose, what are you going to do now?” 

Johnny smiled, “Well, Stevie, Moira and I have talked and decided we would like to move out of the motel.” Well, duh, of course they would like to move out of the motel. “Stevie, my sweet pulchritudinous pet, while Johnny and I have created many memories at the Rosebud Motel, we feel we must remove ourselves to more habitable accommodations.” Moira insisted .

Johnny elaborated, “Maybe buy some land a build a home, not a mansion this time, but a real home that we can have our family and hopefully someday grandkids visit. Also, Stevie, I would very much like it if you started calling me Johnny.” Shit, now David had tears in his eyes. 

Johnny looked at Stevie, “I am still your partner if you will still have me Stevie. I have already come up with a few rough ideas on upgrading The Rosebud Motel and expanding into a more upscale hotel market. I would love nothing more to have you by my side for the next chapter.” Stevie gave Johnny a big watery grin and whispered, “I would like that too.”

Twyla arrived at the table with their orders and a signal from Johnny, two more bottles of wine. 

Patrick took the opportunity of Twyla’s interruption to pull David aside. “David, are you okay? I know this is a lot to process, but nothing about his means we have to make drastic changes in our lives.”

“Patrick, ten million dollars is not nothing. I have had money before and nothing about it made me happy.” Patrick gave him a sincere smile. “I know that baby, but, think of what this could do for us. We could have our dream wedding, buy a home, expand Rose Apothecary, hire some help, travel, buy every single Givenchy piece fresh of the runway.” David laughed. Patrick knew David’s weak spots, his hunger and his wardrobe. 

David spoke more calmly than he was feeling, “I love you and the life we are building. I love Rose Apothecary, our tiny studio apartment, searching fo new vendors, sweeping the beautiful hardwood floors and ordering in mediocre pizza and crappy Thai food for movie nights. I love that we live three hours away from Clint and Marcy and could visit and be visited anytime.” Patrick put his hand on David’s shoulder, 

“David, I love the life we are building too, having the money isn’t going to change that. I think we could really do some great things for this town too. C’mon, just last week you were bitter about the selection at what is currently passing as the Schitt’s Creek library. Wouldn’t it be gratifying to make a donation to make it a real library? And that is the tip of the iceberg. Think about what we could do with Moira Roses Garden?” God, David loved this button of a man who could tease him right out of a spiraling panic attack. David was considering the library. It was just a really good idea. God knows the whole town could use a carefully curated face lift. “Are you sure Patrick? Is this what you want?” 

“Second easiest decision of my life. I only want it if you are on board too. Is this what you want David?” David smiled, “Yeah, Patrick, yeah, I want it.”

They walked back to the table, Alexis was prattling on about expanding Alexis Rose Communications, regular estethician appointments and the connection was terrible, but David thought he heard Ted say, “This is turtely amazing news!” They were fading in and out, Alexis finally signed off with promise to talk tomorrow. 

“David, what are you thinking?” Johnny asked. David was calmer after his brief chat with Patrick. “I think it could be a good thing for us. I am surprised you are staying close though, mom, you really want to stay here?” Moira smiled, “My dear first born, we have decided this town, with you and your sister and soon to be expanding families is where we want our home base to be. That does not mean we will not be traversing the sublunary sphere. There is already talk of another Crow’s sequel and I will not want to miss that auspicious fortuity.”

After finishing dinner, they decided to part ways for the evening so everyone could digest the news and begin making plans.

Before leaving, Johnny pulled David aside. He pulled an envelope out of his suit pocket. “This is for you son.” 

David opened the envelope carefully, like it might be a bomb. It was the deed to Schitt’s Creek with David's name on it as the owner. 

“I bought this town for you as a joke all those years ago. You were too young at the time to put it in your name. I still cannot believe I was that cavalier with our money, but, anyway. As you know, it’s been almost impossible to find a buyer for the town. I would still like for you to have it. I think it means something to you and all of us now.”

David eyes blurred, he reached out to his father and hugged him. “You are right, it means everything to me. I love you dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been really fun to write. I really had to pull out the thesaurus for the Moira bits. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I often think back to season 1, episode 1....what would the Rose's do if Eli was found. And, if he was found, with at least some of the fortune, what would the Rose family do?


End file.
